Death. Lately I’ve been debating on whether or not to write this. I think mainly because its such an encompassing subject that brings out strong emotions.
I went to see one grampa knowing my other grampa had passed away. The still living grampa, grampa Jensen, is on my mother’s side and he has a short time. Upon entering his blue painted room I could see a skinny man that I was told was my grampa. He looked like he had a sculpted frown on his face and his eyes never looked so black and beedy. It was hard to place him with the boisterous, attention loving old man I knew that had tried out for the New York Yankees in his youth and kept a field of apple trees the majority of his adulthood. We slowly entered and timidly began to place this scene in our minds as who our grampa had become. First while he didn’t speak and grandma just would hug and kiss him telling him we’re here and proclaiming her love for her now frail counterpart.
Its heartbreaking to see change. We’re always changing. Each second that comes along means that the one before it has gone and with it a little bit of ourselves, we’ll forever be linked into that second.
My grampa who has passed, Grampa Boyer is now at the cemetery. Its one thing to see someone asleep in a hospital and its another to see them in a coffin and watch the coffin shut. I saw my grandma pay respects to her husband alone while the family mingled.
My dad gave a talk about some of the things his dad had taught him.
“If you ever get a chance to see a man wrestle a bear; take it.” His other brothers spoke of things that carried on in their hearts of who they grew up knowing as their dad. He went to a lot of yard sales, he was a farmer in Iowa and then moved to Utah, he converted to Mormonism, he was kind and very humble. My wife sang the hymn “Be Still, My Soul” and then my uncle began his talk on the Plan of Salvation. “Its not suppose to be easy, that’s what makes it great” he said with tears, respect, and love for the God of the living. Of all the things I’ve felt and heard I think they all were summarized in the words of the hymn “God be with you, till we meet again”. In the church I go to they sang that hymn and all the images of my grampas ran through my head as well as my own mortality. The speaker just before singing that said “Live in the now, the now is all we have, enjoy the journey, enjoy the trials.”
Strange that the only other times I’ve dealt with death have only been dogs.
My grampa Jensen had on a Yankees hat. He started to talk a bit more after he drank what must’ve been a pint of cold water. “My teeth hurt” he said. “Must be that cold cold water” said my mom. “I love it” he said and we started to laugh. “You still got your sense of humor” said grandma. “Humor but no sense” he said. “Looks like you put on some weight here” said grandma. “Wouldn’t be hard” he said in regards to the slim trimmed man he had become. “You know what Bess? I feel like I’m losing my mind”
Our eyes teared up and we gave our goodbyes. Good bye coming from the saying “God be with you”. I took a secret picture with my cell phone, trying to make sense of what I was seeing and keep an image of my grampa reserved. Someday I’ll be in that place.
Often times growing up I would be so sad and start to cry if my mom went to the store and didn’t come back right away. I would imagine scenarios of not seeing her again. My dad had a heart attack about 9 years ago that could’ve killed him. I think about losing them and I don’t know why other than because I love them so I’m trying to reserve that deep feeling in my heart. Its too easy to take things for granted.
At the hospital I saw a sign that said “You are the key to the past, present and future” on the wall. In the church we talk of linking families forever in a chain of souls that live with Heavenly Father. We have temples that do “work for the dead” as we say which means baptisms, covenants, ordinances, promises, sealings, endowments, initiatories, and that all means that we swear our souls to God. We often think of the temple as the holiest ground, the most peaceful dwelling, the mountain of the Lord. It’s a beautiful place and it all has that substantative feeling of living for the dead, doing what others cannot, and being in place of another. All to prepare for returning to the presence of our Heavenly Father so that we can live together in happiness, even though we sometimes struggle with that now.
Growing up I never thought that one day I would review all the experiences of being with one person. The present has a way of insulating itself from the realization that it will soon be the past. My memories of my grampas have always been mostly the holidays, weddings, or some event on the calendars that give us a reason to get together. I wish I could have had more memories that had no obligatory excuse for seeing them other than just loving them and wanting to be with them. Seems like its easy for us to fall into that mindset of needing a calendar to tell us when its okay to visit or give presents. That’s very sad.
How do you deal with death? We do all the time without knowing it. We pass through time, saying goodbye to the past. Time is a train that never stops. We just get off from time to time and say good bye. Then more people get on and the train keeps moving.
